Tag Archives: change

Wanted, a life

🎶मैं भी जवां तू भी जवां, कमी है किस बात की 🎶🎼🎼🎶🎶

Jazbaat ki, she muttered to herself, smiling at the irony. ” I just want to be alone” he had said after much cajoling and instigation by her to end a silent cold war between them since long. “Ok ! If this is what you want” she stated resignedly.

There was hope in her heart that maybe he would realise how futile it was to stay to oneself. Never had she expected that she would have such a difficult partner, she preferred the word  ‘difficult’ than another stronger and decisive word, being the undying hopeful that she was. Life was not always as dreary as this but such episodes took her attention, or say broke her reverie making her think about all which she had dreamed of having. Her first priority was love and respect, both of which she could not earn from him. The facade was there but the basic signs were amiss. Being a person who focused on small things more than the larger picture, the missing details would bother her often. Yes, she did live the story and usually made believe that she was loved and cared for. Cared more than loved, she thought. Her friends would tell her how lucky she was to have her say in her house, that she was not afraid to be as she pleased and he never imposed his will or interfered in her matters. Uh! If only they knew that she considered this freedom of action and thought more as ” it’s your life, live it your way” He would never understand or accept her views if they didn’t suit his ways.

She remembers finding happiness in doing and supporting deeds which brought him happiness or were supposed to do so. Things, which did not come to her naturally, she would make a habit to suit the environment at home. Maybe she was wrong in trying to make everybody happy. She was in an involuntary downslide, where no matter how hard she tried the happiness remained elusive. Being well read, she knew that happiness is internal and not derived from external sources yet she herself had no clue of realising this. She was caught in  trap of laziness and procrastination. With only herself to blame, she kept hoping that one day things would change while all the time failing to understand that the only thing she could change was herself. Change does not come easy, not for her at least.

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